Friday, July 29, 2011

The awkward life: pretending to be someone else

I have been known to stop mid conversation, turn around and walk away to avoid an oncoming awkward situation. I'm also guilty of the "oh look, there's only me and that other person I don't want to talk to walking in this long, empty hall, but I'm still going to take my phone out and read this engrossing text so I can pretend I don't see them when we both know I do."

Basically, I will do anything it takes to avoid awkward situations, even when doing so makes it even awkwarder. Recently I've been trying to force myself to just suffer through them and maybe I'll magically become less socially inept. Has it worked?

Let's see.

I'm at Trader Joe's. Again. Debating: pink lady apples? or gala? Galas are my favorite, but they don't look that ripe...and pink lady...I mean they're pink lady apples!

A quick look up and...oh god. There's my sister's friend's little sister who's still older than me whom I've never ever talked to but secretly hated the one time I saw her at her house for having the awesome necklace that I totally wanted along with a woman who I assume is her mom whom I think I met once but I'm not sure, I don't think I'm getting my who and whoms right, damn it Rayna why are you thinking about that right now? and shit now they're looking at me too what do I do do they even know who I am, probably not, what should I do,  oh of course, lets pretend to be my older sister because they definitely know her. Bingo! What a fucking great idea Rayna! Now they're walking towards me, so let's just paste on my maniacal grin!

A couple of minutes into the conversation and I'm still talking to these people like I know them and peppering the conversation with piano references (my sister was a piano major) and questions about what little I know about my sister's friend and I'm getting some weird looks from the two of them and the sister's friend's little sister cautiously looks at me and goes "'s Elise?" Shit. I am so busted. Someone come help me, STAT because I have got to get myself out of this. A few more hasty words and then we look at each other awkwardly. The mom: " was very nice to meet you." Double busted. I never introduced myself to her. Also slightly offensive because I am 97% sure we met like, 5 years ago. And by met, I mean I was at her house and probably looked at her. Like I did today.

I walk away and buy three bananas.

In my defense, people have often confused me and Elise for twins, okay? I thought it would work.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

I still think I'm pretty cool, though

I’m not sure why I like staying up online later than the average normal population, but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that once it hits around 3 or 4 am, I start finding myself reading the weirdest shit ever, even for me. And that’s saying something.

According to Criminal Minds, this also seems to be exactly the time serial killers who like to peel the skin off your face or cut off your fingertips and feed them to you thrive. Just remember that correlation doesn't prove causation.

Anyway. Because 4:16 am is as good of a time as any to find out what your inner food is...a quick quiz on youthink and...

Salad. A green salad. Are you kidding me?  Salad is for rabbits. I haven’t had a salad in at least 4 months, and I’m starting to feel a little bad for depriving my inner soul (is that redundant?) now. But not too much.

And because it only follows that you need to know your inner animal as well, I proceed to take “What your inner animal?”

And I’m all, yeah, this is gonna be so much better than finding out I’m a salad.

...because I’m a rabbit. Oh god. I totally jinxed myself. Is this even possible? Could I be a lamer animal?

It turns out...I can. Determined to show the internet/world/universe what’s what, I looked up a different inner animal quiz, because yes, I will take them until I find an animal I actually like.

Second time around, and I’m a fucking guinea pig. Okay internet. You win...this time. I’m going to sleep a bit less self-satisfied than when I woke up.


I thought about it, and I guess a rabbit/guinea pig isn’t so bad. I could have been like a opossum playing dead all the time. At least rabbits move.  It’s all a matter of perspective, you see.

EDIT x2:

Actually, if you put those together, I’m a rabbea. Or a rabbig. If that doesn’t sound pretty badass, I don’t know what does.

EDIT x3:

I just realized I could also be a guibbit. And that sounds horribly like giblet.

I think I’ll just stick to rabbig.